Well, Hello There!

So, it's been a while. What can I say? It's been a rough ride. But I finally found my happiness.

When it comes to knowing myself and knowing what I want, I am an A+ pro! It's finding what I want that has been the problem. Since my last blog entry, I have gotten a promotion, started working regular, daylight hours, and most importantly, gotten a new boyfriend.

If I could travel back in time and tell myself how wonderful things would eventually be, I would. I would say, "Erica, you may be questioning yourself and going through a hard time right now, but stay the course. Nothing good comes to you without a little work and persistence. Just keep swimming and things WILL work out for you!" All of that sounds like complete B.S. and everyone has heard it more than once. But it's true. So, in closing, all of that blog talk comes to this: Love yourself and love will find you.


                                                                THE END

Daydreams

   Have you ever been disappointed by a situation because it simply wasn't what you expected it to be? If you're human and you have lived on Planet Earth most of your life, the answer is likely, "yes". For me, the answer is "all the time!"

   Of course I don't believe life should all be gum drops and dreams-come-true, but it would be nice if for once I could have exactly what I want. I sound like a spoiled brat, but I am not talking about tangible things. I can't lie. I have dreams about tangible things that I would love to come true. Just last night I had a dream that my parents bought me a brand new, dark green Chevy Corvette. Of course green wouldn't be my choice in color, but after feeling that big block 427 at my feet I had "Corvette Fever" and really didn't care what color it was. "Corvette Fever is an actual condition because I just said so. When you awake from your dream your blood pressure is through the roof, you're sweating, and you could possibly have dry-mouth and a sore throat. Not to mention, some people have been known to wet the bed and other things...This Corvette dream was a special one, but I would never actually expect it to come true. On the other hand, I have had daydreams that I really wish would have happened.

"Dreamlover"

   When I was in college I had the biggest crush on one of my best friends. I never really said anything because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. We hung out just as friends all through my experience at UAB. My best memories from that place were with him. We even went to thy gym together, we played video games and watched football together. A couple of times he told me he liked me and he took me to dinner. One time after he took me to dinner, it was raining outside. It was in the middle of summer, so my hair was a mess and the humidity made my hair stick up and curl out! God knows I looked like I had been struck my lightning. But this night, there was no lightning. Just soft rain. And one of the most profound daydreams of my life. As we walked in downtown Birmingham to his apartment, I remember thinking that I wanted him to kiss me in the rain so bad. It was the perfect "movie moment". But instead he ran ahead of me and went straight inside. I had to walk slow because I had a dress and heals on. By the time I finally made it inside  I think we tried to go from friends to more than friends, but it just never worked out. It seemed like every time I was single he was with someone and every time he was single I was with someone. That's the crazy thing about timing: It's everything.

   I can't deny the fact that I've always been boy-crazy, but I waited for so long for the stars to align for me and this particular beau. Unfortunately, they never did. And that's just part of life. I have come to accept the fate that lies there. Now that I think about it I am glad it didn't work out. I think I went for so long wanting that relationship to work, and I tried so hard to make it work, that I was blinded by what I really needed and wanted. Now that I know what I know, I know I would be miserable stuck with that guy. I'm glad we can remain friends but I have changed my mind!
  As for my ex, one time during a mid-summer rain storm, we were outside on the back porch talking about life and I happened to mention my daydream and longing to be kissed in the rain. He didn't swoop me up, take me into the rain and plant one on me. Nope. He didn't tell me he would surprise me one day when I least expected it and steal a kiss in the rain. Nah-uh! Instead he said...AND I QUOTE: "Me and my last girlfriend had sex in the rain for like two hours one night". Just so you know, when I just finished typing that last sentence I had to take a break and chisel my face from my hands. It's sad that all good memories end with a negative parallel to that man.

"I Get a Little Bit Stronger"

   Thankfully, the last week has been so amazing. I have not been sad about my ex at all. I have found I have been talking about him less and thinking about him a lot less.

FAQ

   The reaction on my blog has been overwhelming (in a good way). I have received some questions from readers and some are asking for advice. I am no expert, but I hope my own experiences and communication skills will help others. If nothing else, sometimes just knowing someone else has gone through what you're going through can provide inspiration to move on.
   Here are my answers to your emailed questions:

Whatever happened to your lunch friend with the handicap?
   My friend was a few years younger than me. After I graduated he called me every once in a while to ask how I was doing. Since then, he has graduated high school. The last time I saw him was a couple of years ago at a high school football game. He saw me and came to sit by me. We snuggled to keep warm and he was just as sweet as he was in school.

Whatever happened to the bully who asked you if your outfit was what you were wearing to your mother's funeral?
   That particular bully has tried to add me on Facebook numerous times, but I have ignored those requests time and time again. I am a strong believer in forgiveness, and without her asking for my forgiveness I have prayed for her and forgiven her completely. I will never forget the pain she put me through in high school. It has affected me even 15 years later. I hope the best for her and I hope she never has to deal with the degree of depression, rejection and hate I experienced at her hands. With that said, she is not my friend and I am not interested in adding fake friends on Facebook. I feel like that would make me vulnerable and put me in a position to say and think things I should not say or even think.
   I do believe her insecurities prompted her to treat me so badly. She did not start the bullying. Another girl did, and since she was not very pretty, overweight and nerdy I think she clung to any type of acceptance she could find. I think ganging up on me made all of the "mean girls" feel better about themselves. As for the girl who started the bullying: after years of analyzing why I was the victim of the vicious attacks, I have come to the conclusion that it all started because I was "dating" a boy in their grade. They were all a year older than me and he was one of the few good looking guys in the entire school. At that age, boys are all girls think about, so I think those girls were just doing the natural thing and being protective of what they considered their territory.
   In any case, it is God's job to deal with their hearts and at this point in my life I am proud of myself and I have become a stronger person because of my experiences. If I was asked for advice from someone being bullied, I would just want to tell them that everything they are going through seems like such a big deal now, but in just a few years they will look back and it won't be that big of a deal anymore.

How often should you start dating again after a breakup?
   This varies from person to person and situation to situation. Some people are ready to instantly jump into the dating world again and they are able to succeed. Others think they are ready and they end up crashing and burning. The key is to do what you feel comfortable doing. Also, remember it is unfair to begin a new serious relationship with someone if you are not 100% over your ex. You could bring baggage from your previous relationship into your next relationship and that is a disaster waiting to happen.
   The first two times my ex and I broke up I started dating immediately afterwards. The last time was not so easy. I knew I wasn't ready and even now I know I am not ready for a serious commitment.

What if your ex goes to college with you and you have to see her every day?
   There are so many different ways to deal with this situation. In my opinion, a guy who has been broken up with should remember the girl is no longer interested in being in a relationship with him. The worse thing a guy can do is act desperate and needy. It's so unattractive when a man acts like a little boy that had his toy car taken away. Get out there and make new friends. Act happy! You will find the more you act and interact the happier you will be. Remember there is someone else that will appreciate your kind heart and that person will be more understanding of you.

What do you think are the top 3 most important aspects of a love-relationship?
1) God
2) Honesty
3) Communication
    ^In that order^

How do I start my own blog?
   All you have to do is go to blogger.com and setup your own account. It gives you instructions on how to build your page and it's pretty self-explanatory.

"Hero Complex"

   In my last blog entry I mentioned a list of characteristics of the perfect man for me. I wrote this list in high school after a bad, puppy-love breakup. I am typing this out exactly how I wrote it then. Here it is:

1) Taller than me and big muscles
2) Sense of humor
3) Outgoing personality
4) Dark headed and dark complected with a nice smile and lips
5) Christian
6) Makes good grades and responsible
7) Big truck, likes outdoors
8) Close to his momma
9) Likes animals but also likes to fish: NO PANSY!
10) Wants to move away from Wedowee

   Of course these days I am less interested in a man's chemistry grade from high school and more interested in the chemistry between the two of us. I would like to replace No. 6 with "has common sense". Other than that, I still have the same preferences, but who doesn't? My list is dead-on and pretty impossible. There is some moving room for my list. I could possibly overlook the fact that a guy doesn't have a big truck, but that is quite possibly the only one I would want to do without. What can I say? I'm picky. Not shallow, I just know what I want.

What a Girl Wants

   After almost 15 years of dating (my first date was a double date when I was 14) I have learned more about myself and the type of people I gel with. Within 5 minutes of meeting a person I can tell whether we will hit it off or not. When I was online dating I took less than 2 seconds to review most profiles I and instantly knew if I would be able to take the conversation further than "hello". When I look back at the type of men I have connected with, there is one strange thing that sticks out. I'm pretty sure I have what is called a "hero complex".

 
   It's certainly not intentional. The repercussions for having this complex have cost me a lot of heartache and worry...but it always happens. I am attracted to men who have jobs that are considered dangerous, especially those in civil service. I have never dated an accountant. I have never dated a financial advisor. I have dated 4 firemen, 2 policemen, and an Army Ranger.When I say "dated", I don't mean I've been on a date with them, I mean those were my only serious relationships. Obviously, there is a pattern, but as I said it's definitely not on purpose. Plus, we all know you will never be rich doing that kind of job! That's beside the point. The point is that so many people joke around with me about my hero complex. They seem to find it funny that every relationship I've ever had has failed. Well, guess what? I don't see the humor in it at all. Shame on anyone who has ever made fun of me for having a preference. I have never looked for a guy to date based on their job. I just happen to work around these "hero types" often and at my age it seems a lot of single men work in one of these service professions. If I was going to choose a guy based on his profession, he would be a doctor or a lawyer, or a casino owner. But, I prefer those big muscles, and those muscles often go along with specific types of professions. You don't have to be strong to file papers behind a desk. I like to feel protected and I love a man that takes care of himself. So, it's just my type! I will just have to learn to deal with it and everyone else can tell it to the toilet and flush it.
   Through it all, I have become my own hero and I know that I am the only one that can save myself from depression and self-loathing. I am still chugging along because of me, no one else! And I love myself :)
   Here's to love!

"Hero"

Memories

  Memories are quite possibly my favorite thing in life and at the same time they are quite possibly my least favorite. This weekend as I was cleaning out my closet I found so much. Pictures, letters, birthday cards, ticket stubs and other trinkets I have collected over the years revealed themselves. I used the weekend as an opportunity to purge the bad memories and relive the good ones. It's amazing how little things, even smells, can take you right back to somewhere you were years and years ago.
   I put up Christmas decorations over the weekend and that made me think of "the good ole days". There is one stuffed animal I have had for years. I remember when I got it in 2nd grade. It's a white teddy bear named Richie. Kmart used to sell them every Christmas. I remember begging my mother for him when she took me to Kmart. I would like to think she didn't get him because they had him all the way at the top shelf. My mother is only 4'11", so I'm sure that was the reason. So, Richie has stayed with me all these years. He is missing his beanie, but other than that he is just as good as new.

   Richie wasn't the only memory I dug out of my closet. One other item caught my attention and it has burdened my heart until this very moment. As I sit here writing, that memory is still with me. It's agonizing! It was a letter from the ex (the most recent one). This letter he wrote to me the first time we broke up. I thought I had thrown it away, but unfortunately I had not. Although I knew better I had to read it one last time before I tossed it in the trash for good...that's exactly where it belongs. With my old, stinky, brown banana peelings, used doggy training potty pads, and leftovers. In the letter, that useless waste of space told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before. He was so sorry that he freaked out for no reason. He just loves me so much and he knows we are meant to be. He can't imagine living his life without me. He promised me he would change if I would just give him one more chance. Well, needless to say that didn't last long. I remember reading it for the first time. Even then, I was so unsure of his intentions. But something told me I had to find out. I would rather find out the hard way that it wasn't meant to be, than always wonder "what if?" I don't like wondering that. So, I decided to learn the hard way.

In the End

   Taking someone back after they have done you wrong is such a bad idea. Does it ever really work out? If you breakup, you broke up for a reason, so why go back? It reminds me of those women on Oprah who have been beaten for years and they keep going back because, "he loves me". It makes my stomach turn just thinking about how much power men can have over women and vice versa. Is it brainwashing? I have never been like that before and never would want to be like that, but I promise there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I let him right back in my life just so he could break my weak heart again. I feel so stupid now. So why do I continue to think about that sorry excuse for a human being? Because of memories.
   It wasn't all bad. There were times when I felt so loved and so protected. It was all fake, of course, but liars have that affect on the gullible. It hurts so bad to think of all those memories knowing it was all fake. The weekend before the last breakup we went to Tennessee and had a good time. We visited with his father, rode around in the mountains and played in the snow. The entire time I knew things were winding down. In fact, I started crying at one point thinking about our Christmas plans. We were planning to get a real tree this year! Thinking about that in the mountains upset me because I knew it would never happen. I knew I had to break up with him for the final time.
   On one hand I was sad because I knew he was about to be out of my life and I was going to miss him being there. On the other hand, I yearned for a replacement. This sounds crazy, but I already knew who I wanted to fill the void after this terrible breakup. In fact, I had been knowing for a little while. I wanted every good memory to automatically be with that person instead. You know a relationship is dysfunctional when you tell yourself, "Why didn't I just ignore his last plea for forgiveness and continue talking to the good guy?" The opportunity presented itself to me the second time I broke up with the fireman. That was the thing I regretted from those four days. I let a golden opportunity go. I could have probably had a lot more fun if I would've just taken that opportunity.
   When I was 16 years old I wrote all the characteristics of the perfect man on a piece of paper. I saw it on a movie, so I wanted to do the same thing. That perfect guy was supposed to magically appear but well, that never happened. "The good guy" is just about a carbon copy of that piece of paper. He's around my age, which is better than the jerk. The jerk was almost 10 years older than me and he acted like a teenager. "The good guy" has a stable job and takes care of himself. "The good guy" is taller than me and super hot! He has the best smile I've ever seen. His body...Oh, his body. Apparently he is genetically blessed. Other than that, I don't have much to go off of. I just really liked talking to him and being around him. But, I made a decision I have to live with. But it's just weird that I haven't been able to get "the good guy" out of my head. It's crazy how you always want what you can't have. This thing called life is such a cruel game. It reminds me of that movie, "He's Just Not That Into You".

Why Can't I?

   So, I have been pretty lame lately. What can I say? Decorating for Christmas was the highlight of my weekend. It hurts to admit that. I have no motivation to get out and do anything. I'm like a hermit. I have the best excuses ever to stay in. Examples: It's too cold; I don't want to spend money; I'm sleepy; I have to give my dogs baths. Yes, I told someone I couldn't do something because I had to give my dogs baths! I literally did nothing all weekend. Well, I did get out to do laundry and go to mass. Wow, I'm really living life in the fast lane. Even my mother seems concerned about my lack of activities.

   So next year, what will my memories consist of when I think about this time of my life? Hopefully I will have a positive take on this "transition period" as I like to call it. I'm going from having a sidekick to being completely alone. All my friends either live out of town, or they are married with kids. There's some unspoken rule that married people are not allowed to hang out with singles, or their life value decreases by 10 percent.
   From this point on, I just need to live and avoid bad memories. I am vowing to move on from the bad memories and learn from them. I do not want to repeat those situations. I am vowing to embrace the good memories and try to re-create them in a new, developed way. I am vowing to not live in a fantasy-land and I will not think that everything I want is going to somehow fall in my lap. And I am vowing to respect myself. This new year is a little more than a  month away and I think it's coming at the perfect time. It can be the YEAR OF ME! I know it will be easy because there's an app for that and I've got it. For now, I'm Single Again!

Online Dating/Hating

   Online dating can be confusing, depressing, and disappointing. So why would anyone want to meet people online? Because it can also be a quick and it's an easy way to weed out those you know you would never connect with. The problem comes when there's a whole bunch of weeds and no flowers. I have noticed that some websites are used by more creeps in some cities than others.

   For example, Plenty of Fish is a wonderful place to go if you are looking for casual dating in Columbus, Georgia. But in Birmingham, Alabama the website should be called something like "Plenty of Booty" because that's all it is: BOOTY CALLS. It is disgusting. When I was on Plenty of Fish in Birmingham I felt like I was breaking the law. Men would message me 3 or 4 times a day about getting in my pants. If they would have been talking to me that way in person I would have probably broken the law in another way (by breaking their faces).
   On the other hand, Match.com has never let me down. No matter which city I have been in, when I tried it I have always gotten positive results. Maybe I didn't find my true match, but that's not the website's fault. Maybe my soul mate just wasn't looking for me online. Nevertheless, the men on Match have been respectful, good looking and seemed promising.
   Ok Cupid is another online dating service I have dabbled in. I have never actually met a guy from there in person, but it seems legit. A girl I work with recently got engaged to her Ok Cupid guy, so I know for a fact it works for some people.

So Much Cooler Online

   Speaking of working for people, online dating is perfect for the busy bee. At one point I had a breakfast, lunch and dinner date every day. Of course that got old, but if you want to get out more, online dating is the key to success. There are free online dating websites so you don't always have to pay to find love. There are precautions online daters should take:

1.) Never let someone pick you up. Meet them in a public, well-lit location. Do not tell them where you live.
2.) Never go on a date with someone until you verify their identity. They must have pictures, and ask for their  
    Facebook page to do some background checking.
3.) Before going on your date give all the information you have about the person you are going to meet and  
    all the information about your meeting (time, location, etc.) to at least one other person.
4.) When you're on your date remember that person is a stranger. Stay aware of your surroundings.
5.) Use your common sense. If it doesn't feel right or if something seems off, it probably is. Get away!

   Following those simple guidelines can help you stay safe while online dating, but they will not protect you completely. Remember there's a number to call if you find yourself in a threatening position: 911. Who knows, if you're anything like me, maybe the cop that comes to rescue you will ask you to dinner :/

I'm on My Way to Bald

   After a breakup, the best way for me to completely turn off my emotional switch is to completely change everything. I throw things out, I go shopping for new clothes and I always change my hair. Whether it's a drastic hair color change or a dramatic cut, I always go big. With most of my breakups in the past being at least a year and a half apart, I have been able to grow out my hair between breakdowns. But when me and my most recent boyfriend broke up three times, I had to get creative.

Check out my revolution:

1.) Before the breakup (long, straight, blonde hair)

2.) After the 1st breakup (Shorter, curly blonde hair)

3.) After the 2nd breakup (Long, dark brown hair - along with weight loss)

4.) After the 3rd and final breakup (Short, light brown hair)

5.) After finding peace within myself

   So, as you can see, a relationship can really change a person. Not only on the outside, but also on the inside. I told my mother after this last breakup that I need to stay single at least a year, or I'm going to end up bald! It's amazing to me how much my appearance means to me. It changes the way I feel about myself and the way I function. Working overnight is very difficult at times. I want to just come to work in my pajamas because I know I won't see very many people while I'm there. But as sure as I show up to work on time, I always get ready and put myself together. People have asked me before why I go through all that trouble. My answer is always the same. It just makes me feel  better.
   I can already tell this blog is making me stronger: "Fighter"