Memories

  Memories are quite possibly my favorite thing in life and at the same time they are quite possibly my least favorite. This weekend as I was cleaning out my closet I found so much. Pictures, letters, birthday cards, ticket stubs and other trinkets I have collected over the years revealed themselves. I used the weekend as an opportunity to purge the bad memories and relive the good ones. It's amazing how little things, even smells, can take you right back to somewhere you were years and years ago.
   I put up Christmas decorations over the weekend and that made me think of "the good ole days". There is one stuffed animal I have had for years. I remember when I got it in 2nd grade. It's a white teddy bear named Richie. Kmart used to sell them every Christmas. I remember begging my mother for him when she took me to Kmart. I would like to think she didn't get him because they had him all the way at the top shelf. My mother is only 4'11", so I'm sure that was the reason. So, Richie has stayed with me all these years. He is missing his beanie, but other than that he is just as good as new.

   Richie wasn't the only memory I dug out of my closet. One other item caught my attention and it has burdened my heart until this very moment. As I sit here writing, that memory is still with me. It's agonizing! It was a letter from the ex (the most recent one). This letter he wrote to me the first time we broke up. I thought I had thrown it away, but unfortunately I had not. Although I knew better I had to read it one last time before I tossed it in the trash for good...that's exactly where it belongs. With my old, stinky, brown banana peelings, used doggy training potty pads, and leftovers. In the letter, that useless waste of space told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before. He was so sorry that he freaked out for no reason. He just loves me so much and he knows we are meant to be. He can't imagine living his life without me. He promised me he would change if I would just give him one more chance. Well, needless to say that didn't last long. I remember reading it for the first time. Even then, I was so unsure of his intentions. But something told me I had to find out. I would rather find out the hard way that it wasn't meant to be, than always wonder "what if?" I don't like wondering that. So, I decided to learn the hard way.

In the End

   Taking someone back after they have done you wrong is such a bad idea. Does it ever really work out? If you breakup, you broke up for a reason, so why go back? It reminds me of those women on Oprah who have been beaten for years and they keep going back because, "he loves me". It makes my stomach turn just thinking about how much power men can have over women and vice versa. Is it brainwashing? I have never been like that before and never would want to be like that, but I promise there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I let him right back in my life just so he could break my weak heart again. I feel so stupid now. So why do I continue to think about that sorry excuse for a human being? Because of memories.
   It wasn't all bad. There were times when I felt so loved and so protected. It was all fake, of course, but liars have that affect on the gullible. It hurts so bad to think of all those memories knowing it was all fake. The weekend before the last breakup we went to Tennessee and had a good time. We visited with his father, rode around in the mountains and played in the snow. The entire time I knew things were winding down. In fact, I started crying at one point thinking about our Christmas plans. We were planning to get a real tree this year! Thinking about that in the mountains upset me because I knew it would never happen. I knew I had to break up with him for the final time.
   On one hand I was sad because I knew he was about to be out of my life and I was going to miss him being there. On the other hand, I yearned for a replacement. This sounds crazy, but I already knew who I wanted to fill the void after this terrible breakup. In fact, I had been knowing for a little while. I wanted every good memory to automatically be with that person instead. You know a relationship is dysfunctional when you tell yourself, "Why didn't I just ignore his last plea for forgiveness and continue talking to the good guy?" The opportunity presented itself to me the second time I broke up with the fireman. That was the thing I regretted from those four days. I let a golden opportunity go. I could have probably had a lot more fun if I would've just taken that opportunity.
   When I was 16 years old I wrote all the characteristics of the perfect man on a piece of paper. I saw it on a movie, so I wanted to do the same thing. That perfect guy was supposed to magically appear but well, that never happened. "The good guy" is just about a carbon copy of that piece of paper. He's around my age, which is better than the jerk. The jerk was almost 10 years older than me and he acted like a teenager. "The good guy" has a stable job and takes care of himself. "The good guy" is taller than me and super hot! He has the best smile I've ever seen. His body...Oh, his body. Apparently he is genetically blessed. Other than that, I don't have much to go off of. I just really liked talking to him and being around him. But, I made a decision I have to live with. But it's just weird that I haven't been able to get "the good guy" out of my head. It's crazy how you always want what you can't have. This thing called life is such a cruel game. It reminds me of that movie, "He's Just Not That Into You".

Why Can't I?

   So, I have been pretty lame lately. What can I say? Decorating for Christmas was the highlight of my weekend. It hurts to admit that. I have no motivation to get out and do anything. I'm like a hermit. I have the best excuses ever to stay in. Examples: It's too cold; I don't want to spend money; I'm sleepy; I have to give my dogs baths. Yes, I told someone I couldn't do something because I had to give my dogs baths! I literally did nothing all weekend. Well, I did get out to do laundry and go to mass. Wow, I'm really living life in the fast lane. Even my mother seems concerned about my lack of activities.

   So next year, what will my memories consist of when I think about this time of my life? Hopefully I will have a positive take on this "transition period" as I like to call it. I'm going from having a sidekick to being completely alone. All my friends either live out of town, or they are married with kids. There's some unspoken rule that married people are not allowed to hang out with singles, or their life value decreases by 10 percent.
   From this point on, I just need to live and avoid bad memories. I am vowing to move on from the bad memories and learn from them. I do not want to repeat those situations. I am vowing to embrace the good memories and try to re-create them in a new, developed way. I am vowing to not live in a fantasy-land and I will not think that everything I want is going to somehow fall in my lap. And I am vowing to respect myself. This new year is a little more than a  month away and I think it's coming at the perfect time. It can be the YEAR OF ME! I know it will be easy because there's an app for that and I've got it. For now, I'm Single Again!